Let’s Talk About the Tough Stuff

Currently we are in a very contentious time. I see debates happening on Facebook every single day or an intense conversation in the comments either about politics, racial issues or Covid-19. I am a big advocate for having effective and challenging conversations, but are these social media debates the most effective? My answer would probably be no.

In this blog, I wanted to talk about how to engage in those difficult conversations either online with strangers or in person with friends and family. There are many things going on right now, and we need to listen and effectively talk to one another about those difficult topics. These are some tips that I have learned throughout my conversations with people and also have researched on my own.

The first tip I have is listen to the person. Fully. And try to refrain from casting judgement. One thing I have learned from the difficult conversations I have engaged in is that people cast assumptions about what you are going to say far before you even utter words. Doing this, makes the conversation more hostile than it needs to be. Learning about why someone believes something is really valuable. Ask questions about where they got that information or why they believe a certain thing. It allows you to further understand different viewpoints and it can also make you think more about why you believe a certain thing. Go into the conversation with a goal. Don’t just talk to someone with an opposing opinion just to make them feel stupid or degrade their position.

Second tip refers to talking to family and friends. Now, this is something that a lot of people struggle with, and there are good reasons on why it is so difficult to do. For example, you don’t want to ruin the relationship you have and you don’t want to start something that may end in a bad way. Having these difficult conversations take a lot of bravery and what I like to call “training.” Talking to someone you care a lot about about a topic that affects you can be draining. So, listen to your body and mind and take care of it but also be brave and don’t be scared to ruffle a few feathers. According to Ijeoma Oluo, the author of So You Want To Talk About Race, gives some great tips in a NPR interview about how to engage in conversations with families and elders about a contentious topic. One great thing Ijeoma mentions is that it is a great idea to say upfront why you want to have this conversation, is it because you want your family to start using their privilege for good? Is it because your Aunt or Uncle or whoever seems to say racist remarks often and it makes you uncomfortable? Being upfront about it makes the purpose of the conversation out in the open. Those assumptions I mentioned earlier die down a bit. Another great tip she says is to talk about your own former ignorance and how you came to educate yourself and the adjustment it took. Even though we hate to admit it, something we are super passionate about now is something we probably did not care much about prior. Mentioning that transition is super valuable.

The final and most important tip I want to give is to recognize your limits and take care of yourself. There are going to be a lot of people out there that you want to talk with on Instagram or Facebook, but if you do not have the mental space for it, it is more than okay to just let their comment go unchecked. I also want to emphasize that it is not your responsibility to educate people. You are not their mother nor their teacher. They are (most likely) grown individuals that can look up important things on Google just like the rest of us, so do not think it is on your shoulders to go out of your way to talk to and educate this person. But on that same note, I want to repeat that these conversations require bravery and if you think that you can get passed the short-term discomfort to maybe achieve long-term change you should engage in that conversation!

I am one of the only people I know that actually enjoys engaging in conversations where I know the person on the other end thinks the exact opposite of me. I think I enjoy these conversations because they challenge me and they challenge the person I am talking with. I believe that some people think a certain way because they have never been confronted by someone with an opposing view. People hang around others with similar point of views. We live in regions that have similar political opinions as us. We are raised in families that instill certain ideals and values. So when I engage in these conversations I love to ask people questions on why they believe something and see if they are more than just a product of their area or upbringing. I like to see if they think for themselves. I also like testing my faith and my beliefs. If I am not challenged on what I believe in then how do I become confident in my passions and my opinions. These difficult conversations are not easy, however, there are personal and external benefits that can come out of them. Try to challenge yourself!

Written by Dominique Agnew, Senior at Cornell University and Climate Justice Now Intern